Today’s meditation was focused on learning to feel fulfilled, in order to be our true, happy self. Deepak taught us that our cravings for something, mean we’re emotionally unsatisfied. The example he gives us is you find yourself craving a late night snack. You might not be hungry but you reach for something anyway. This action could be the cause of boredom, loneliness, depression, etc. And instead of asking ourselves what the root cause is, we reach for the snack and eat without further thought.
As someone who always strives for more in life, today’s practice really struck a nerve with me.
I’ve always been an doer and an achiever. I believe that when you have accomplished something, you set your sights on something greater and keep achieving. In other words, I don’t know how to sit still and I’m constantly not allowing myself to feel fulfilled with my work and my hobbies. And at times, that feeling of being unfulfilled grows to unreasonably high heights, leaving me depressed, sad, and oftentimes mad that I feel both of those.
Why? Because I’m not taking stalk of what is ALREADY fulfilling me. I’m constantly in motion, completing a project and moving onto the next one, I’m not taking a time out to enjoy/celebrate what I’ve accomplished because I don’t see it as being as great as what’s coming next.
Here’s the low down. I have a stable job I’ve been at for the last 4 1/2 years. It’s had just about as many ups and downs as a long-term personal relationship. But it’s provided me an opportunity to flex my brain and contribute to so many different things in the company that I feel I am making a difference (many people cannot say that about their jobs). Outside of that, I have been trying to write a novel (two false starts and a fresh beginning later, I think I’m on the right track), and am looking to write screen plays after that. Both of these have been the bane of my existence because these projects are so large that I’m almost frightened I won’t come out of hiding until I’m done (the whole not stopping until it’s done thing, while completely neglecting everything else in your life). I also found myself wanting to speak to women’s groups on working in the tech industry and how to rise to leadership because it’s still tough for most women (yet I found a way to push past those barriers). To add to this, I am hosting a fundraiser with my mom next week, which has taken a few months to prepare for. To cap it off, I have a boyfriend, whom I am pretty sure, isn’t sure he actually has a girlfriend anymore because in the last of my free time, I’m cooking, cleaning, working out (when I can), giving my dog as much attention as a puppy mom should, and sleeping. I’m sure you can now understand that never-ending cycle of unfulfillment.
In the last two days, as I am preparing for a huge transition into something amazing at work, the stress I didn’t know I had, came out and presented itself in the form of tears (lots of them) and that was it. My boyfriend didn’t know what to say or do because he had never seen me like this. So, I went out with my mom and sister last night and somehow, everything all made sense. While I come from a line of strong, independent women who are doers (and are NEVER satisfied with their accomplishments), we want to feel appreciated and acknowledged by someone else for what we do. In other words, we want someone else to take on that “celebration” for us. It’s the part that as women, we want so badly to be recognized for our achievements but we never speak up and ask for because it almost defeats the point (kind of like getting mad at our significant others for not surprising us with flowers or cleaning up on their own without asking, and when they hear about it and finally do it, you question if it’s because you had to tell them you felt this way).
This realization turned into questioning why I couldn’t “celebrate” these things myself – why did I have to wait for someone else to do this for me? If I waited, I’d never feel fulfilled and validated in all that I do. So that is now my mission with this meditation practice – how to feel fulfilled on my own, without the need of external recognition to keep myself moving forward. I feel it’s going to be a tough journey, but I’ll get there.